She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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