woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
