i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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