i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
