cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize