If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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