i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize