i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
found the other keg... it's in the tree
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
What a dumb baby whore.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
