Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
