My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
