I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
this beer tastes like vomit already
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
