Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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