I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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