I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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