So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
