He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize