put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
