Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize