My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
