Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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