wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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