cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize