Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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