I hate your face
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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