guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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