She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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