Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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