I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
