TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
