forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
