Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
