broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize