My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
