im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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