so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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