how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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