did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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