Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I had to cum in my sink.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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