pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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