I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
