I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
