Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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