Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
