ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
