Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
