You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
