I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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