did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize