I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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