Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
