why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
