I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
