Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
