What a fucking waste of an outfit
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
