i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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