Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
