mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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