You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I could fuck to npr.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
