i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
