im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
