but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
