birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
