I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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