dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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