Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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