I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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