did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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