my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
